’tis midge season on this sceptr’d isle which means that it is a b*gger when going for a jog at dusk. I have helpfully compiled some simple dos and don’ts for you here, plus some interesting facts.
Do keep running, if you stop you will be in all sorts of trouble: cramp, clouds of the damn things, loss of interest in running any further.
Don’t do the running swot. Tempting though it is to wave the things out of your face, for some empirical reason this makes the whole situation far worse. You are far better off just maintaining an elegant arm swing as per your usual style.
Do shut your mouth. Regardless of the midges’ determination to survive against all odds, your tongue will act as fly paper. Breathe through your nose, I have never snorted a midge – they manage to keep away from that orifice.
Don’t look down. Runners tend to watch where they are putting their feet. Not just because of poo, more often than not it is the small stones or broken pavements that will turn an ankle or ping your ham string. During midge season, keep looking up for the clouds (of midges) and plan ahead.
Do stop talking, singing or otherwise using your mouth on approach.
Don’t treat them as some form of limbo stick. It is impossible to go around or under them and you will look silly.
Do wear sunglasses/some form of eyewear, or buy lots of cotton buds to sweep them out of your eyes when you get home.
Don’t think about the diseases they carry.
Do think about the interesting facts I have found for you about the great British midge:
They really look like this in close up
People called Mildred shorten their names to midge
Midge species seem to be defined by colour – and there are gazillions of them
There has never been a Disney film based on the midge… discuss
They are LETHAL for cows, poor sods (the cows)
There is a midge forecast for Scotland – but nowhere else. I think this demands a campaign
They have their own Wikipedia page
SOME people can talk endlessly about them
Midge Ure is called midge
Some people are unwitting midge fans
That should see you through…